That is just shameful. This is a phrase you don’t hear very often anymore. Growing up, if an adult said that to me, I knew I had really done wrong. The idea of shame is to feel bad, to feel guilty, or to feel remorseful for something you have done. I can attest that I have done a few shameful things, though they were not worthy of jail time or prison.
Where did we get the idea that it is good to shame someone? I know in recent years we have done “pet shaming” on social media. I am not sure my dogs feel much shame about destroying my wife’s crocheting. And when did we start doing this to people? I get the idea that we should admit when we have done something wrong and that feeling guilty is a part of learning to apologize and make amends. Shaming is much more than that, it is a powerful emotion that goes beyond guilt.
When we feel guilty, we are remorseful that we have done something that is considered to be wrong or inappropriate. It is an emotion that says, “I shouldn’t have done that”. Shame is different, it is an emotion that says, “I am so stupid for having done that”. Can you not only see but feel the difference? Guilt is a healthy and normal response that can move us to making amends and being honest with ourselves.
Shame is the very act of hating ourselves. When we are ashamed or when we shame someone else, we are saying that we (or they) are unlovable and less than a person. It is sad that Church so often engages in shaming. So many sermons I have heard over the years belabor our unworthiness before God, our inadequacy, our guilt.
I believe this is done by the structured church to maintain control through intimidation. It has been going on for several hundred years. If you don’t believe me, talk to a dyed in the wool Presbyterian who utters the phrase “utter depravity” to describe us all. That notion is five hundred years old. It is incredibly demeaning and relies on shame to get its point across: we are all utterly worthless.
That is, as they say, a bald faced lie. We are fully, totally and incredibly loved by God. We are totally lovable, infinitely valuable to God. We are not stupid or dumb or worthless or depraved. We are all God’s children. Even our guilt has been dealt with eternally. Should we make amends when we mess up? Of course. Should we be honest about who we are? Of course we should, but at the end of the day, we are God’s lovely children.
TMM