Have you ever had what folks call an “aha moment”? That moment when everything suddenly made sense? I have had many, across a wide variety of experiences. I have had them as a student and as a professor. That moment when a concept or principle comes into focus. I have had it as a martial artist, that moment when a technique comes together and makes all the sense in the world.
The best at aha moments, though, are children. I love watching little children, 1 or 2 years old as the have moment after moment of discovery. A new food is “aha”, bring me more or no I hate beets! Look at that new color. Oh, that’s a doggie or a kitty. It is such fun to watch them.
You do know, we are called to be that way as well, right? We come back to God as children, hopeful for that “aha” moment with God. That moment when we go “aha, God has never ever left me”. Jesus said it several times, the need for the faith of a child. But what did he mean? Children live life with expectation and hope and innocence. They don’t seem to take anything for granted and if something goes awry, after a little cry (or tantrum, there is a 2 year old grandson around quite often) children simply move on. Grown ups do not!
Grown ups hold grudges, hold hatred, hold anger, hold guilt, and grief. Isn’t it sad that we grown ups hold on to those things but find faith, love, hope, and forgiveness fleeting most of the time. The T-shirts that say “being grown up is no fun” are not wrong. Grown ups love to worry and usually believe they know what is best for themselves.
I get tired of being a grown up. I read a saying once that goes, if you haven’t grown up by the time you are 60, you don’t have to.” I gave up growing up for Lent three years ago, now I just get older. Actually, I am not kidding, in my spiritual life I have been brought to many moments that, as a grown up, I have chosen to be “grown up” about it and not forgiven, not been faithful, thought I could handle it myself. Fr. Richard Rohr pointed out something recently that gave me another aha moment, that not forgiving myself is a form of pride. It is me telling God, I will get back to you when I get this sorted out for myself and am ready to be forgiven.
You know, just writing that gives me the “aha” moment over again. I have been prideful a whole lot in my life. I have experienced so many times when I just was not worthy, just could not see me the way God sees me. And, I have caused myself great pain and heartache. I have caused God the pain of watching me founder, when all I had to do is quit being so darned grown up about it all.
It is scary to give up control, except, I have never been in control and neither have you. We get caught up in trying to achieve, to “make it”, rise above, etc. How foolish is this? You will never catch a child doing that. When I actually was a child, I grew up in an environment where I felt like I was never good enough. I always had to be right because being wrong means not good enough. I have to tell you, all these years later I am tired of trying.
The moment I quit trying, that is the moment God has been waiting for and that is the moment I feel loving arms of the Sacred wrapping around me. I can hear the Eternal saying to me now, “I have waited for this moment, it is time for you to be my child again and receive your rest and my love”. Aren’t you tired too? Then quit trying, you are perfect just the way you are. And those loving arms of God, feel so warm and wonderful that you can finally imagine that you are where you have always wanted to be.
TMM