I am part of a community of monks at the Abbey of Gethsemane. As a lay member, I live in the world and try to conduct my life by the Charism of the Cistercian order and the Rule of St. Benedict. I have written before about my “Abbey heart” when I drive onto the Abbey grounds. In some ways though, my heart is always there, drawing peace and strength and returning prayers and support. You could say that my heart “aches” to be there, though I know that is not my calling. But, today my heart aches because one of the monks has cancer. This monk touched my heart and my life at a time when I was on retreat and frightened, about things that I did not even realize at the time.
Heartache can be bitter sweet or it can just be painful. My heart aches at certain times each year as I long to have one more chat with my mother or my brother. It aches when I see families who do not appreciate that they are still alive and able to have the chat that I cannot. My heart aches when I see my college students struggle and work and claw their way to a better life. I cannot and will not interfere in the process, though I would like to make it easier for them. To interfere would be to rob them of the value of their life experience.
My heart aches sometimes for my daughter and her ministry because I know she has a giving spirit and yet, sometimes, she gives too much. My heart aches when I am away from home too long. I ache to hold and be held by my wife, to pet my dogs and cats, to sit on my own porch. My heart aches to be on retreat at the Abbey and my heart aches for those who do not have enough bread, who do not forgive or feel forgiven and for those who want to joyously do God’s will but cannot seem to discern it.
What does your heart ache for? One last visit with a loved one? That place where you watched that beautiful sunset or had that special experience? Those are the bittersweet aches that come from our longing for the past. Be careful! We cannot live in the past. I cannot live at the Abbey and abandon the world I am called to live in. I cannot go back and talk to my mother or brother and I cannot fix my brother monk with cancer.
So what is the point of this note and of heartache? Those things our hearts ache about show us that we are alive, connected to the Sacred and thus to the entire world. Heartache should and must lead us to prayer and to rest in the Sacred Presence. We are created in the very image of God and that “likeness” has been within us from the moment of our creation. Heartache is that part of the Sacred connected to the entire world. We ache because it is how we are made, to be in touch with all of creation.
When you heart aches, let it. Don’t try to ignore the pain, it won’t make it go away. Instead, embrace the heartache. Let it tie you to that place or person or experience. Seek, in the ache, to find the very face of the living Christ, who ached in the very same way you do.
TMM