It is getting hotter, summer is upon us in Texas. That means much less rain and higher temperatures. It also means a different schedule and rhythm of life for a college professor. There is not much need for a watch or to know which day of the week it is or what assignments are due. It is also a little disquieting. From the time of my first teaching job, I have always had a certain disquieted feeling when summer gets here. I know I have a job, a contract, but I am not in my office each day, just to be sure. Squatter’s rights I guess.
I am amazed at how little it takes to get me out of my comfort zone. I am saddened by that because it speaks to my patience, of which I used to have a great deal. In all of the years of therapist, I was always very patient and listened a great deal. As a professor, I am patient with students in class (except for those occasions when students choose to not do their work) and with faculty. It seems the only one I am not very patient with is myself. I know why that is and it makes me angry and sad.
It makes me angry because I am supposed to be a good contemplative and show my patience in letting the Eternal take the lead in my life. But, I keep trying to take over because of course, I know best! I am angry at me, I know better. Then it dawns on me that the Eternal knows I am like this and loves me anyway. An old therapist said, years ago, “shouldhood is shithood”. That was the very irascible Albert Ellis in Rational Emotive Therapy. But he has a good point: every time I dwell on the shoulds and ought tos in my life I am saying I am not good enough.
That is my lifelong battle, turning off all of those shoulds, gifts from my parents. And that is what makes me sad about this, for over 20 years I have been a contemplative and yet, I am still trying to shake the shoulds of my life. I know that the Eternal has taken care of the shoulds and that I am truly free, of myself and yet it is hard. I think it is what Jesus meant when he said the path is narrow and few can follow it. Getting past myself (ourselves) is hard work and yet it has already been done for us, for me. Letting go of the shoulds is frightening because they are familiar. Merton described it as falling into the abyss of God’s Love. It is unknown, but not uncomfortable. I need to fall in each day, then enjoy the experience. Come on, let’s do it together.
TMM