Start with you

I have supervised and taught many folks over the years. I have also been supervised and taught by many folks over the years. I have learned a few things the hard way, some the easy way. But, if you know me, most have been the hard way.

I once had a supervisor, during my evaluation tell me I needed to change. Now, I am surely not perfect, but he said this after saying I did well with clients, got along very well with my colleagues, and was a hard worker. I was very concerned and said what do I need to change? His answer was, “well if you don’t know, I can’t tell you.” Hmmm, Ph.D in psychology from a major university and he couldn’t tell me? Well, needless to say, I did not change, though I wish I could have figured out what the issue was for him.

This was one of the most important lessons I have ever learned in my professional and personal life. I think he was telling me to look within and be self-examining. I wish he had said that, but instead, several years after that I found contemplation. When a staff member fails, or a student, I start with me. What did I do, or not do that kept them from succeeding? It has served me well but surprised a few employees and students.

I am in good company in this idea. In reading the sayings of the Desert Fathers, one in particular stopped me. A monk asked “what if I am attacked by robbers and I best them, should I kill them myself?” The Abbot said, no, start by realizing that evil came to you because of your sins, confess them first and then let the dispensation of the wisdom of God show you the rest.”  Now, the Desert Fathers and Mothers had a strange way about them, but wisdom is found there.

So, the wisdom is right there, just as I discovered years ago. In each thing, we must begin with ourselves: what is our part in this? how did we contribute to the situation? what could we have done differently? The answer may be that we did our best in the situation, but most often we will discover that we are not blameless. And if we are not blameless, then how shall we blame another?

TMM

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