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It is always difficult to find balance. As a martial artist, I know that “stealing” my opponent’s balance is the key to throwing them. Without going too deeply into the analogy, when your balance is disturbed you do indeed fall more easily. So, what exercises help with balance?

Self-awareness is the first place to exercise. Knowing what it is that disturbs you most helps you to seek balance when others or life try to disturb that balance. The second might come as a surprise but it is self-esteem. I know me, I know that I have weaknesses and that those weaknesses started at the very beginning of my life. In those days, I was worthless, never good enough, and believed that I was not smart enough. That has impacted my life for lo, these many years.

While how I see myself has helped me to be a good therapist and led me to be a contemplative, it has also been a life long wrestling match for balance. I am always the peacemaker, even when I don’t necessarily want to be. It makes me the negotiator you want when people are upset and I am good at it. But, it also makes people believe that I am weak, passive, and easily manipulated. And that hurts and has cost me a great deal over the years. And, I think what is worse is that it hooks in to my age old issues of self-esteem.

Being marginalized is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you feel like you don’t matter and that is where the fight for balance begins. The fight ends with realizing that if the Savior of the World was ignored, marginalized, disrespected and destroyed how can I demand to be treated better? And that is where the need for balance comes into play. I fight to be less and less each day, to not be the center of attention in this world and that is the tough part of the battle. It is the right thing to do, but it hooks into very painful feelings. And I am thinking that you are like me, you fight the good fight and find it painful when you lose the daily battle and give in to your own needs.

Well, my friends, as they say at church, hear the Assurance of Pardon: being you is not a sin. Who you are is not a sin. We are created in the image of the Living God and we are good enough the way we are right now, warts and all. We all fight this battle, the sin part comes in, I think, when we stop fighting, not when we lose a round in the fight.

TMM

I wonder about a lot of things, don’t you? I tried to decide, had we won the billion dollar powerball, where I would spend all that money. My college, my church, my family, a few friends, life would be good for us all. Alas, not one number was right.  But, I still wonder about my students, my teaching, my life, my future. I think this is normal and natural.

A version of wondering is “what if” games. These are the games we play out of fear, pain, hurt, or longing:  what if I had gotten in that car that wrecked? What if I had married someone else? What if I had just done what my mother told me to do (or father or priest or…….)? What would have happened then? And these are the questions that cause us to be filled with guilt and remorse.

I believe these sorts of “wonderings” (the what if kind) are very destructive and actually trap us in our guilt and remorse. And, I must say, I have heard a great deal of this type of demand to wonder from pulpits

I know better now. I know that there is no one certain and  sure path for any life. Instead, our calling to know the will of God is to realize that the will of God is simple in the understanding: love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. It is the love of God that is God’s will for you and me. Not the have to, not the should have, not even the if only. No, seeking God’s will for my life means to seek those places where I can love more, care more, touch more, and be that example of what love means. So, I know that if I had married differently years ago, there would still be a wonderful woman who is just about the best minister I know. My daughter would exist, because a soul like that is needed by God in this old world.

As a mystic, I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that things happen and that the spiritual life is about making sense out of whatever might come our way. Buddha was right, whatever path you are on, light your candle and follow it. For a  mystic, that candle is the Light of the World.

TMM

So, even after all of these years, it is still hard to explain to others what a Christian Mystic really is. I have actually been asked if that is like being a magician or a sorcerer.  Hmmm, tempting titles but no, that isn’t it at all. Evelyn Underhill, a British mystic in the early to middle part of the 20th century said it this way: Mysticism is the  art of union with Reality. The mystic is a person who has attained that union in greater or less degree; or who aims at and believes in such attainment.

And then it dawned on me, I have been a mystic all of my spiritual life. In May 1971, my life changed forever when I found out that the Sacred knew me, loved me, wanted to spend time with me and was already within me. I remember, from that very first night, feeling in my soul, that there was something very deep there. Across the years, that deep seeking and longing got covered up and encrusted by dogma, religion and lack of understanding. But always, inside, I just knew that there was more, that I was more, that the Eternal was so much more that all of the rules and have too s and should nots.

Then, today, it dawned on me while reading Underhill that I have always longed for that union. Always thought that it was the key, not following rules or reading correctly. I know now that the reason I did not end up as a minister is that the denomination I was in held no answers for my soul. I am not regretful, just pointing out the experience. Social work did provide that depth, that seeking of the deeper and more important things not provided by a Baptist upbringing that rarely acknowledges mysticism or contemplation. I wonder, what if I had been Catholic, a group who gave rise to Christian contemplation, would I have been a monk?  I think it is possible.

Do I regret my life? Most certainly not, but I wonder where I would be had I had the least little inkling of the mystical in my very soul. I have always written, always tried for words to explain and express my heart. It is why I was a good therapist and am a pretty decent professor.

I write this blog because I have to, it pours out of me, needs to escape. I have always been this messy mystic, with the gift of insight and discernment. A longing for that union with Reality. It is  safe to say I have not  arrived, but I believe each day that I try, I am one step closer to that Living Reality. It is my hope that you will not wait as long as I did, but will look inside now. Seek to discover your heart’s desire. Mine has always been to find that Eternal love that was awakened in 1971. I’m on the path now, it is glorious. Go ahead, give it a try, it is the second part of the spiritual life. Live beyond  the rules, the dogma and let Love conquer all.  Perfect Love casts out all fear.

 

TMM

I enjoy role playing, being in plays, wearing a disguise. It’s fun to be free by not being yourself. Like the tv show where the boss dresses up as someone else, it can be enlightening and/or revealing to move among the “people”  so to speak and learn what they might say about you that they would not say to you.

I know that God uses disguises all the time. At any given time the Sacred comes to us as a puppy, a child, a tree, a flower, a beautiful sunset, a moment, a prayer, a Muslim, a Hindu, even maybe an Atheist.  The Sacred is anywhere and everywhere so none of the above are far fetched. I have seen the Sacred in the face of a mentally ill person and in an intellectually disabled person. In the shining smile of my minister daughter and in the wise face of my 94 year old aunt.  If this is true, and I am sure it is, then I have to think of a couple of things.

First, do I say to God’s face the same things I say about God? What I mean is am I honest about what my life says as opposed to what my heart or prayers say? Do  I talk to the world with my life the way I think I do? It is supposed to match you know, who I am and how I act.  I confess, that is hard work and I have to work at that every day.

The second thing to think about is am I looking for God in all the right places? Am I looking for the Sacred everywhere? In the words my wife says to me? In the faces of my college students? In the face of a person I have no real use for? In the glory of the new day?  Paula D’Arcy says, “God comes to us disguised as our lives”. I think she is right. Mother Theresa said she could work with the poor of India only because she saw “the face of the Suffering Christ” in each and every face.

As I have studied and thought, over and over again I hear the word awareness. Now as a  martial arts instructor, I teach this every day, to be aware of surroundings, your opponent, of yourself.  I need to live more aware in the spiritual realm…..seeing truly that the Sacred is disguised as my life. If I am aware, truly aware, then I will see Her in all that is around me. And, like I read a day or two ago, be able to see that the life I always wanted, I already have and that I need to pay more attention to it.

TMM

I have been a person of Faith for 45 years. I was the Sacred’s from the beginning but then in 1971 I found out that the Sacred truly loved me and wanted a relationship with me and that was when I realized my salvation. Since then, I have been a person of Faith. Little did I know that it was not a one time gift, but something that takes a great deal of work.

I was thinking this morning, where did I learn that faith was a one time thing that was the perfect gift given and that if it wasn’t perfect, it was my fault because I was too sinful. I have heard so many sermons over the years where all of the wonders of faith were explained and all of the pains of lack of faith also explained. However, in none of those sermons, including a good number that I delivered myself, did I ever hear that faith was something you work on daily, that Paul was right, “work out your own salvation in fear and trembling”.

Then, I read some lines by Carl McColman, a wonderful author and a Lay Cistercian of the Holy Spirit Abbey in Georgia. McColman writes, “Our faith matters because it invites us to remember our identity……faith invites us back to that place where we shine like the sun”. So to be a person of faith is to practice it every day, to develop those habits that keep us faithful. Like praise, prayer, humility, gratitude. So why aren’t more sermons about  the skills to grow in faith and that being faithful always brings us back to being Abba’s child?

I think we want easy answers, ones that are the same every time. But Rohr has a good point, that is faith for the first part of life and it is immature and limiting. Faith, as it matures, calls us to see the world and ourselves the way the Sacred does, each of us as joyous and beautiful lights shining for all the world to see. That is easy to write, difficult for me to believe about myself, but I am trying. I am practicing at my faith every day. It is the journey, not the destination that matters after all.

TMM

I am, in some ways a dinosaur when it comes to church. A throwback to the old hymns, the old styles of worship and yet, I am actually the first of the new generation of praise and change in church. Yes, me, the dinosaur. You see I am of an age where I was a “Jesus Freak” as the saying went. I was one of the first to get the new sing and celebrate book that brought contemporary music right into the church. And, more than a few old deacons did not approve. We didn’t care with long hair, sandals and jeans in church.

So fast forward 45 plus years and here I am loving Liturgy and longing for the old hymns. I go to a new church that does old things in new ways and it is one of the things that has captured my imagination. To hear an old hymn set to new music, to say the Creed with a background of guitar, drum and piano music, to recite the Lord’s Prayer with that same soft background music. I have to remind myself that it is about the praising of God. That we are blessing the Sacred.

Does that sound outlandish, us blessing God instead of the other way around? Scripture supports it but it doesn’t rest well with us: complimenting/blessing the Creator. And then I read and re-read that poem by Augustine. We learn to love a new life and that is learning to sing a new song. He reminds us that we must be sure our life matches the words of the song, but he ends with this very important idea, one I cannot let go of today: the praise contained in the song, is the singer.

Think of the depth of that, our life is our song to God and the praise contained in the song is us…….take a moment to let the import of that seep in, we are the Sacred’s sacred hymn sung to the world. Me, I am that song, my life is that praise. And, I am the hymn people learn to recognize Christ by in the world. I think I need to sing better each day.

 

TMM

I have started over a few times in life at jobs. Well, okay after all of these years I have started over more than a few times. Sometimes by choice and sometimes out of necessity. In reading this morning, I was struck by words from St. Augustine when he addresses “learning to love a new life.” It suddenly overwhelmed me with relief to think that I have to learn to love a new life, even if it is a really good life.

I started my spiritual life as a Southern Baptist. I left that denomination because it became too rigid and political for my taste. The leftovers of that beginning have to do with some really bad theology, like God has one true plan for your life and you must find it. Along with that is the idea that if you miss that plan, if you don’t do exactly what God has planned for your life, you are a sinner and must repent. As you can imagine, that is a lot of potential and real guilt to deal with and I have endured my share, even to this very day.

So, my life has been through some tough changes and not all that long ago, I assumed it was all my fault for those problems and those changes were due to my sinfulness and lack of awareness of God’s will for my life. I know better than that now because as a contemplative/mystic I finally realized that God’s will for my life is to love God. That this wonderful Creator of all gave me free will and choices. I don’t always make the rights ones but when I err, I am already forgiven. So Augustine’s words spoke to me in a wonderful way.

I can see that this wonderful life I have personally and professionally is still something I must learn to love. It is not automatic and that is what I am freeing myself from, that notion that I must find God’s perfect will or else. I am free and now know that Buddha was right, whatever path you are on, light your candle and follow it.

 

TMM

 

I work at a college with Millenials. I often wonder, like any older person, “what is wrong with this generation?” That of course is what my parents and grandparents said about my generation. Each generation leaves something out that our elders thought was important. So, I am in good company here when I say I know one thing I wish these young people  would keep:  gratitude.

I don’t mean that this whole generation is ungrateful, not at all. And I do not mean blind, underserved gratitude meant to placate others. No, I mean real gratitude, like we read in the Psalms. Like I hear when I am at my beloved Abbey of Gethsemani and the monks are chanting the Psalms. That sort of gratitude for all that we are given.

And, I am no better. I pray and worship daily, but how often is there nothing but praise and gratitude coming out of my mouth and heart? Not often enough. Merton talked about the Psalms as the great example of how we emotionally relate to God. As I read today, what others said about the Psalms, it was a great point to be made that even in those Psalms that express deep pain and lamentation, they end in the Praise of God and gratitude for all that has been given.

I read the Psalms daily and yet I do not express such gratitude. I have a dear friend from way back in high school days and she just learned she has breast cancer. I am praying for her daily. But I have not been praising for her. I have not been grateful for knowing her and the life she has lived. That changes today, I will send her a personal message to say, I am grateful for the life you have lived.

And, why am I not more grateful for all that is in the world, all that I have and am? Maybe, if I teach and demonstrate gratefulness to my students, to these Millenials, I will see more of it. I know this old dog can learn new tricks. Maybe young dogs can too. Maybe a life lived in gratitude and praise is a life more worth living. I think I am going to try to be a living psalm, that at the beginning and end of each day, the beginning and end of each class I teach, the beginning and end of each conversation, I will express gratitude for that experience. Any body want to join me in the effort?

 

TMM

It amazes me sometimes, the gifts I have received during my lifetime. I have had wonderful birthday and Christmas presents of course. Even got a painted rock from a client once. But I am thinking of the gifts from the Sacred, my clinical skills with people, my opportunities to travel across the world, the great people I have been gifted with meeting, the analytical skills that I use to perform my work, and my athletic skills. These are all gifts from the Sacred, whether I realized it or not at the time.

There is more though, there is this moment. There is this day. This life. The natural world that surrounds me. These are the true gifts, but how often have I missed them? How often have I heard the birds but not, as scripture says “considered them”? How often have I just awakened and said thank you for the next breath?  This might seem minimal, but the little things, the least things…..those are the things of Christ.

And, unlike that really small shirt I got for Christmas one year that I could take back and exchange , the gifts of God are not ones you can exchange or take back to God and say, “can I have something a bit larger”? It doesn’t work that way with the gifts God gives, you get them and they are yours to do with as you see fit, but you cannot give them back or exchange them for a better fit.

No, the gifts are yours. This includes salvation or a salvific knowledge of God (depending upon how you identify this in your faith). All are saved, so scripture says. I take that to mean all of the world. Now, if I give you a gift and you never open it, that is quite sad and quite a waste, but it is your choice. That is salvation, a gift already given to all. Whether they open it or not, that is their choice. It is our choice: do we open the great gifts of God that we have been given or do we waste them by never opening the package. Or maybe we open the package but don’t like the gift and never use it.  It is your choice………

 

TMM

It is a mystery, that is true. In reading today, I came across the words of my favorite monk, Thomas Merton. He describes the contemplative life as having “nothing to tell you, except to reassure you.” And then it dawned on me, he is exactly right, the great mystery that we struggle with as contemplatives and Christians is that we are in this for nothing.

Now, before you leave let me explain: we get so caught up in the system of rewards and working for those rewards that it consumes us. Many Christians approach God to get something, salvation, relief, forgiveness, happiness, etc. And there is nothing wrong with any reason that draws us to the Sacred. But, that cannot be where we stay. As Merton says above, we get reassurance. Scripture says the same, “love God, don’t lean on you own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths”.

The reason for believing is to believe, to have a relationship with the Sacred. This is a high level of spiritual maturity, the second half of life, as Rohr would say. If you believe that you are in relationship with the Sacred just because you love the Sacred, then you no longer want or need anything else from God. And then you are out of the way, then the Sacred can have her way with you, the way of love. That is the “lean not on your own understanding” part. And the rest begins to happen, “and God will direct your paths”.

So I love God for nothing. But it has taken a long time to get to this place. So many sermons, some my own, about greater reward, about getting to heaven, about finding God’s will, and so much more and now I realize those were well meaning but mis-guided. The reason to love the Sacred, is to love the Sacred. To have a love affair with the Creator of all. And that is enough.

 

TMM