Author: phil.farmer@gmail.com

I love golf. Of course I love every sport I have ever participated in. Well, okay, ice skating is the exception. Cold, hard surface to fall down on? Uh, no. So as an athlete I know about comebacks. Lately, Tiger Woods has been in the news again. He is 40, had three back surgeries in 19 months, and everyone knows he is done. Well, no that just isn’t a sure thing. He may be the greatest golfer in history. And, agreeably, not the nicest person. His personal behavior aside, he is hitting a golf ball again, so who knows. What I do know is that he won’t come back the way he was and if he does come back, he will have to be smarter and wiser than before.

Sports are not the only venue for come backs. Nearly every aspect of life has stories of comebacks. Business, politics, economics, and science. Each area has produced some great comebacks, from Harry Truman getting elected to the current economic recovery, life is just that way. My mother-in-law staged a great one just this past year: from stage 4 lymphoma to a clear PET scan a couple of weeks ago. That is a long way back.

So, I was contemplating comebacks in the spiritual realm. The Bible is full of them, David, Jonah, Job, Ruth, and so many more. And then in the New Testament we find the ultimate “comeback” in the resurrection story. Now, you and I aren’t Jesus, or David or Job. We are just ordinary people trying to get through another day. We are not special or blessed or any of a dozen things we think those named above were or are we?

Actually, that Jesus fellow said we are all co-heirs with him. That we are his brothers and sisters. If that is the case, then all of the stories above, including Jesus’ story, are our stories! Imagine that, I am special, I am the “comeback kid” and so are you. Okay, I get it, we each have a different distance to come back but still we can, we do. Every…….single……..day.

At the Abbey, in the last “hour” that the monks worship, called Compline, the words reflect a comeback when they say “grant us a peaceful death”, meaning going to bed at night. Now that is an interesting way to live: each day is a birth, death and resurrection. How would we live, each day, if we celebrated our personal Easter morning each day with our coffee? And how free would we be if we lived each day knowing that in spite of all that happens, we will stage the perfect comeback each morning.

On a personal note, I have been there, the resurrection in the morning. A number of years ago, I felt really bad. I actually looked like death warmed over. I actually was death warmed over. My blood sugar skyrocketed to 1,000, ten times the normal. Many or most go into a coma at 500. I was walking around, feeling awful, but doing my job. I spent a night in the hospital, woke the next morning and that was a resurrection. So, in a deeply personal way, I understand the morning resurrection. I am the comeback kid par excellence.

The comebacks are not of my or your own doing. No, we get to come back each day because of Grace……..unmerited favor from God. We don’t deserve it, we can’t earn it, the Eternal simply gives it, to all. So, let’s celebrate each day as a resurrection that we don’t deserve and live that whole day as resurrected people. Oh, wait, all people resurrected, isn’t that what Heaven is supposed to be? Hmm, I think I just defined Heaven on earth, so how about we live like we are in heaven and treat ever person we meet as a fellow angel, in heaven?

TMM

It seems like everything I read these days points me to being “in the moment”. As an athlete, we called it being “in the zone”. In martial arts it is “Mushin” which means no mind. It does not mean mindlessness, as that can get you hurt or even killed. No, all of these words or phrases mean the same thing, to be totally absorbed in the moment at hand.

I need this, need to be better at it. I have had glimpses and they have gotten more frequent over the last several years. I have them, actually, every time I write in this blog. I finish and suddenly I wonder, “who wrote that”. I wonder if those who wrote or write holy scriptures feel that same way. I think (and they) I am a filter for something more, something beyond me. I think that is supposed to be what my life is every day.

I have been there many times, on the athletic field, golf course, on the mat when teaching or practicing martial arts. Lots of times in my college classroom when I am teaching. I have them every time I go to my beloved Abbey of Gethsemani. Each time, I hate for it to end. It leaves a certain spiritual “tingling” that is wonderful.

I read devotionals, spiritual books, scripture, listen to people and lately, nearly everything is speaking to me about living in the moment. Even yesterday evening, with the grandbaby giggling, Granna cooing, the pets snoozing, and the music soft and classical, there was one of those moments. I did not want to move, I sat and grinned and was at perfect peace.

I believe we are all called to this sort of life. When Christ said, “The Father and I are one”, I believe this is what he was feeling. I am sure of it. And, I believe we are each called to that kind of life. But it is not an active thing to go find. It is, instead, something you simply prepare your heart for and then let it happen. I can’t force the moment, I must be aware of the moment. C.S. Lewis wrote “Surprised By Joy”. I wonder if this sort of life is what he had in mind?

So, today I will let moments happen. As I drive to work, as I see and hear the rain, as I teach, go to chapel, and speak with students and colleagues, I will let these moments happen, let them was over me and look for the gentle face of the Sacred in each moment. I understand what St. Francis said and wrote and believed. I can feel it, but alas, I cannot describe it to you. It is my moment. Please, today, when you read this, go have your moment. It will be glorious.

 

TMM

Hold your horses. Keep your shirt on. Just a  minute. Each phrase is directed at patience. I have never had a horse, never tried to take off my shirt, and a minute can seem like forever. I can be very patient with a client, with my students, but with myself, not so much. I often think that patience is a virtue that does not come naturally to anyone.

My college students want it now. I think that is a problem for our whole society, we want what we want when we want it! I am part of society, so I have the illness as well, though I would like to think I have learned how to temper it. I met a very patient man just yesterday. Martin is a Norwegian fellow who is bicycling across America with, are you ready for this, his 8 children. No, not joking the oldest child is 17, the youngest 18 months. Mom is back in Norway, studying to be a Methodist minister at the seminary. They left New York last September, have been up through Canada, down through Michigan, Missouri, Tennessee, all the way to East Texas.

Martin said they ride about 25 or 30 miles per day. Four miles at a time! They ride 4 miles, stop and relax, then four more, then relax. When I talked to him about it, Martin said, “why hurry?” “It is all about family and being together.”  Now, think of this, ride an hour, relax with the kids, ride an hour, relax with the kids…….so you ride about six hours per day, then camp out with your kids. From September to April (when they will be in Los Angeles). Martin is a patient man. Or is he? He is a relaxed man, who happens to be very well educated. And wise, I think. He knows what matters.

The monks at Gethsemani would love and understand Martin. They know patience. They know how to savor every moment. They know the fruit of the Spirit, as does Martin and his children. His 17 year old daughter is the most contented 17 year old I have ever met. A quiet smile, very bright and a glow that just comes out of her. I have much to learn from this little family. I should know better. But, I am a prisoner of my culture, though I am trying to escape to a “more excellent way”. As I write this, the grandson is swinging peacefully in his swing, his granna is moving about the house both so content. I have much to learn indeed.

Joseph, so long ago, got himself sold into slavery because of his huge ego. He learned over time that ego won’t get you where you want to go. So he was a slave, a prisoner, and then second in command of all of Egypt. He had to learn to wait. But there is more to that, waiting in and of itself is not a virtue. Here is the secret, I think. Learning to wait, makes you aware, makes you pay attention. That is when the Eternal can do the best work. You see the Eternal is at all times at work in Creation. It is only when we slow down, keep our shirts on and pay attention that we see all that is going on. I think I will keep my shirt on, reign in my horses, relax and see all that the Eternal is doing in the world around me.

 

TMM

I love to read.  Have since I could read at about age 5. Okay, I am not a prodigy, my brother was 8 years older than me and he challenged me on everything. Even learned to play chess at age 3 or 4. Again, not a prodigy just had a big brother who needed someone to beat (and beat up on occasion). My daughter is as bad, has been since about the same age.

How we read is as important as what we read. I often come to a book full of hope that I will learn something, be entertained, even have a good laugh. In this blog, you get a taste of the kinds of things I read. But how  do we read? If I understand the context, the society of what I am reading I enjoy it more. I love Jonathan Kellerman books. My mother sent me his first one years ago, when she was living in LA. I love his books for two reasons, one I have been in most of the towns he describes and all over LA, so I can see the places. The other reason is he really is a licensed psychologist and we are basically in the same field, so I get caught up in the therapeutic side of his work.

Do you realize that that book we call the Bible must be read the same way? My daughter was castigated by a parishioner for saying that we don’t know if Jesus could read or write. This elderly parishioner can only see Jesus and read the Bible from her modern life. Jesus was not modern, though he is ageless. If you read the Bible with a modern mind, you will really be confused and you will have a tough time resolving some important issues. No, this very complex book has to be seen from the times of the writers and  from the Jewish or Roman cultures.

A great teacher in this regard is Richard Rohr. He is a priest with a brilliant mind and his retreat on the Sermon on the Mount is worth listening to. He explains Jesus from the stand point of his time. Jesus getting baptized, healing people, sitting with sinners all have a context. In those days, to get healed, to be remitted of sin you had to go to the Temple. There you paid for forgiveness with a sacrifice, that they sold you at the Temple. No money, no remission of sin. No money, no healing. Sinners, in those days, were the ones who could not afford to pay the fees for the temple sacrifices.

So, imagine dear friends, if we look at these lives of ours from another context. We are sinners, not because of our actions but because we cannot pay the price to be forgiven. We have no temple in all the world we can go to, buy a dove and have it sacrificed in our place. No lambs, no oxen, nothing we can do to buy forgiveness. That is the radical message of Jesus and it is what got him killed. He brought the Eternal “to the house” (to use an East Texas phrase) and he paid the Temple tax, the sacrifice price. Now does the old hymn “Jesus Paid It All” make more sense? That one carpenter, who lived in a world where only the most educated could read, where no one took notes, where your word was your bond, not a signature on a document, that Carpenter turned the world upside down and how we read the world.

He said to read the world a different way. He said we should love those who hate us. No not hugs and kisses and being smiley faced. No, loving those who hate us is to seek to understand that person as they are, without judgement. He said turn the other cheek. To not have your first response be anger. If we are to “read” Him right, then we cannot get caught by the words. We must get caught up in the context, the spirit of the words, most of all to get caught up in Love.

TMM

 

Have you ever come full circle? It’s a strange way to say that you have “come around”, usually to another point of view. But, I like full circle better because it  feels like something you do without being coerced or convinced by someone else. If you just say, I knew you would come around, it feels like you were convinced to change your mind by someone else.

I think each of us would rather come full circle, then to just come around to how someone else thinks. I had a recent experience, where I think several people wanted me to just go along to get along, as they say. I can do that, have done it lots of times in life but I am doing that less and less these days. I think I am called to be authentic and I have learned from teaching in higher education that telling students (or faculty for that matter) what they want or expect to hear does not do anyone any favors. And it does me the least of all favors. No, I think being a contemplative means to be authentic and attentive to the moment.

I like  coming full circle. It fits with life as I know it. Yes, I know, Lion King and the circle of life. But, just because its campy doesn’t mean it isn’t true. In our modern minds we see life as linear, one ongoing path that we trudge along till the end. And we do not like the end because it means we are done. But are we? I have read and believe that death is the ultimate act of life. We finish where we start, in the loving arms of the Eternal. The Black church calls it “a home goin'” and I like that. My Irish heritage demands a wake, a celebration of all that the deceased was, replete with bawdy stories and much whisky. Aye, a right fine wake will be special to all who loved (and hated) me.

But there is a more important full circle. Thomas Merton, and others talk about the spiritual life, about seeking salvation in this way: we seek everywhere for what our heart desires most, only to discover that what we have sought has been right here inside of us all along. I like that. I have lived that. The Eternal has loved me from the first moment and when I finally got tired of looking and just gave up, I realized that, had I listened; had I been quiet and still, the Eternal had been calling me from my own heart, all of my life.

I see my  college students avoiding the look inward. I have seen so many clients in my practice look everywhere but inward. I learned a long time ago that everything a client needed to be well, to function, they already had inside of them and my job was simply to help them find it. In the words of a popular song from years ago, “Oz never did give nothin to the Tin Man, that he didn’t already have”. We have all been given the keys to the Kingdom, which is within. This day, let us strive to unlock the door, enter into ourselves and find the Pearl of Great Price, who is the Eternal.

TMM

A new colleague loves to use theatre as a back drop for describing the importance of vocational discernment in the lives of college students.  In As You Like it Shakespeare has Jacques say “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; They have their entrances and exits, and one man in his time plays many parts”. I began to play with that notion and there is some truth to be had in these words.

I have played many roles in this life of mine. Some really great starring roles and some as a mere extra in the background. But here is the question I ask myself: why have I not always played a starring role in my own life? I don’t mean that in everything I have to be the star, it is okay to be a supporting cast member to many other good people and I hope a bunch of people would say that I have been. No, what I am getting at is that too many times I have settled for a meaningless role in whatever I was doing in my life. As, I reflect on that I begin to realize that most often it was out of fear and shame. Fear of failure and shame because I have too long believed that I have never been good enough.

So, I think of my students. They come to me, so many of them, from very difficult places, from plays where they can never be the star, never hope even to be noticed. They come to me and I have to teach them how to write a new play for their lives and become the star. They are like me, afraid, ashamed, and feeling unworthy. I have thought a lot about this, why students stay in bed, avoid classes, and generally set themselves up to fail. I was them a bunch of years ago, ashamed to be who I knew in my heart I could be. Terrified and convinced, sadly by many ministers, that I should not be the star of anything and that I was a sinful and unworthy person and, to use a phrase my students will relate to, “who should know his place”. Is that not sad? That ministers in many places preach condemnation and fear of hell to make people behave?

As a Christian mystic, I have learned that the Eternal loves each of us deeply and personally. The Eternal wants me on center stage in my life, playing the lead in a mystery of joy, pain, love, hurt…….LIFE! I think my students need to know this, that they are called to love and be loved by the Eternal. They can and should star in their own play. And me? I need to learn how to be a really good director and producer. My job, my joy is to help them see themselves the way the Eternal sees them: precious, joyous souls with nearly unlimited potential. Stars every one of them.

And what of you? Are you starring in the play of your life? And if you are a parent, friend, lover, spouse, grandparent are you helping all those you love to be a star? And if you are part of a spiritual community are you helping that family to star in their own plays? We have the greatest acting Coach in the universe and it is a true love story.

TMM

It is over 300 miles from my house to the town I grew up in. I drove to my hometown for a conference. I drove through familiar streets that were suddenly not so familiar. My hometown of San Antonio, Texas has grown since I actually lived here. My old neighborhood, that was my known universe as a child is so tiny. I remember walking the streets of that neighborhood and even two streets over seemed like an adventure.

I love my home town, I truly do. I am not sure I miss it, it has been 43 years since I went off to college, but I sometimes long for those much simpler days. Days when I did not know that my family had very little money, didn’t realize I lived on the wrong side of the tracks. I see it all now and it is very different and yet strangely familiar. I do miss being innocent. The not knowing.

I am guessing you miss being innocent as well. Oh, and I was naïve about so many things too! I grew up in my teenage years, to learn about church and the bare bones of the spiritual life. I am glad I got my start here at home, but I am very glad I “left home”. I don’t really want to be innocent anymore, it is too painful to come to awareness. Have the t-shirts and scars from those multiple trips.

I understand why scripture says that once you put your hand to the plough, you cannot look back. In farming life, in those old days, if you took your eyes off of the focus ahead, the furrows would go everywhere. What a mess, looking back surely gets you off track. The only time you get to see those nice, straight lines is at the end of a hard day of ploughing. Then, and only then, you can survey your work.

That’s what coming home does for me. I love this place. It is full of memories but I can only see the lines after all this time. I don’t want to go back and I don’t want to waste time looking back, that is surely a way to get off track. And yet, I do it all the time. In life, looking back is when we start putting “should” or “ought to” into our lives. If only I had…..I wish I could…….. Brene Brown, a fellow social worker, has written a book, the Gift of Imperfection. She describes me perfectly. In her book she talks about “shame storms”. Those moments when we are sure we are inadequate, unloveable, and not good enough. That is looking back.

I struggle every day  with shame storms and looking back. I think we all do, especially as contemplatives. But that is a real problem, looking back. Contemplatives have to be careful of this danger: everything is so serious, everything must be questioned, how else can I be authentic and contemplative?

Sometimes, you just go home. You look at the old streets, remember the good old days and give yourself a break. Neither God nor good sense says you cannot  choose to only remember the good. It is what the Eternal does every moment looking at us!

TMM

I had a brother, Jon. He was a good Marine, a good father and an even better brother. He passed away some 12 years ago now. And, trust me, I still miss him each day. There is not the pain of it, but the memories are strong. I have another brother, one provided by the Eternal. Nope, not a “blood brother” but a good friend who became as a brother to me. Thanks Clay, for being there when I needed it so badly. It’s what brothers do, be there for each other.

Clay is a Presbyterian Buddhist. I know, crazy right? Until you realize that Buddhism is not a religion but a philosophy. Now not so crazy. Clay and I understand each other, I keep telling him Buddha was a contemplative and so was Jesus. He gets that now and it all seems to fit for the two of us. More than once in the past several years, one or the other of us has been in crisis and heard the other brother say, “light your candle and follow your path”. A good Buddhist saying, but also one I have discovered that the Psalms reiterate.

I spent a large part of younger years knowing I had to find that one path the Eternal had for me, usually called the “will of God” at church. It is hard to do, because life, ego, and just plain frustration get in the way. I thought it was my problem, something wrong with me, which fit with my lifelong tape of never being “good enough”. I have learned that I was wrong, or that the preachers I heard were wrong. God does not have one path for you or me. I know, now you don’t want to read this anymore, but go with me a bit further.

One way to live is always looking for God’s will, that right path. But that is so impossible and it is not scriptural. Psalms says it nicely when the writer asks the Eternal to shine light brightly on my path (Ps. 27). Once I learned that any path I am on is okay, if it is illuminated by the Eternal, I started to be much happier and, I believe, much healthier spiritually. If whatever path I am on, I view it from the worldview of the Eternal, I can find blessings everywhere.

Rohr speaks of these things in his book, Falling Upward. That the first part of life is about rules, about character development in the spiritual life. He also says that most people stay there. It is a tough path, to be bound only by rules. But the second half of the spiritual life is about love. As a lay monastic, I am part of a monastery that is referred to as a “school of love”. And so it is as a mystic that all that matters is that love of and from the Eternal. I never expected to be on my path as it is today. I had other ideas and was so sure……then I learned to light my candle and, well, wow. My path these days is full of light, full of love and full of joy.

But it was scary to let go of old ways of believing, things that were pressed into me over time. Merton called it “falling into the abyss” of the Eternal’s love. I call it taking up my cross daily. Each day, I begin by saying to the Eternal, not what I want but what You want. And that has made all the difference. Now, whatever happens on my path (that I choose) I look only for that light that illuminates perfectly. Turns out my brother Clay was right, “just light your candle”. I choose to light that candle with the Love of the Eternal, Creator of all. Turns out there is scripture for that, this fellow Jesus, who was and is the Light of the world, “…and the Light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot understand it”.

Do want to be free? Then stop looking for the perfect path, light up your candle, and enjoy the path you are on. If you will but see it the way the Eternal sees it, I promise you will see so very much. More, actually, than you could have imagined.

TMM

So a guy is walking down the street in New York City when he is stopped by another fellow who says, “how do you get to Carnegie Hall?” The first fellow replies, “practice, practice, practice”. Okay, old joke I know but it is true that for any great thing, we must practice. So why do we treat our spiritual life any differently?

I remember all of those years ago, 45 now, when I discovered that the Eternal loved me, was alive in me and cared about me that I was told that I had been changed in the twinkling of an eye. I assumed that meant that since I was changed and “saved” that was it, I just had to live a good life and it would all work out. Sadly, so many sermons teach that, so many prosperity gospel preachers teach it. If you are good enough, worthy enough in your behavior you will have all you need. Christ Alone!

I have spent the last 20 plus years getting over those old teachings. I hang out with monks, follow their Charism (their way of doing things and seeing the world) and try to conduct my life a different way. I am learning that the key word is actually “try”. Like getting to Carnegie Hall, I must practice. In my world as a lay Cistercian, it means the liturgy of the hours, lectio divina and  being part of not one but two spiritual communities. I have to practice seeing the world and others the way the Eternal does. I have to discipline myself to get up a little earlier and practice my lectio. Being spiritual does not come naturally to any of us. Not me, not you, not Jesus, not the Buddha, not Mohamad, not anyone. Being a civil rights activist did not come naturally do Dr. King or to Gandhi.

I have to practice my faith, daily. I have to practice being joyful and faithful and attentive to the lives of others. I am no different than anyone else, I grew up knowing that church happened on Sunday. It doesn’t just happen, first of all. My experience as a minister and that of my minister daughter has taught me that Sunday is crafted to have the greatest impact on lives. Mass is the same, for the same reason. Worship happens all the time, but to have the most impact, you have to practice. Paul wrote about this, though you might not notice it in this context.

Paul said that he asked God three times to take away his “thorn in the flesh” but all God said was “My grace is sufficient for thee”. I think God was telling Paul (and me) to just keep practicing, keep doing what you are called to do, just keep loving God and your Neighbor as yourself and let grace happen. That is why we practice the faith, practice lectio, practice seeing others as the Eternal sees them because when we do we give Grace a chance to happen.

I am tired of hearing preachers, well meaning though they might be, making the spiritual life out to be something that just happens to us. In my “Jesus Freak” days (yeah I’m that old) I was guilty of doing the same, of handing “tickets out for God” (gospel tracts by the dozens). What I finally figured out was that I was pushing people to see that they had been given a great gift and then leaving them to open it and explore it and make it their own. That is what so many modern preachers are doing, telling people about this great gift that they have already been given and then leaving them to expect to know how to use what is inside without training them or without them practicing.

I must practice every day. But it is a labor of deep love. Like my profession for the last 38 years, I have practiced social work and teaching until, without my really noticing, I have become rather good at it. My deepest prayer is that I shall have many more years to practice the spiritual life. No where is it more important to be a life long learner than at the feet of the Eternal.

 

TMM

We all make choices. Which coffee to drink, which car to buy, which school to go to, which person to marry.  I went for a long time thinking that the Eternal had already made all of those choices for my life and being a Christian meant I had to find exactly which of those choices the Eternal had made for me and follow them. When I was in college, I was in a fraternity for people going into church related vocations. We had a young member who, every time we asked him to go eat some pizza (or coffee, or McDonalds), he would say “let me pray about that.” By the time he was done, we were gone. We were not being mean, it was just that we didn’t think God cared about what pizza we were going to eat.

It turns out that I should have paid attention to what was going on and learned from it. It is very difficult to live by the idea that it is all planned out, since the implication is that if you are not doing exactly what God has in mind for you, you are living in sin. I tried, I promise I did, for so very many years. And then I became a contemplative, a mystic and discovered that the Eternal was something very different.

It turns out, the Eternal gave me something called free will. Imagine living without condemnation and without fear. I have learned that I do get to choose, what path my life takes, who I walk that path with,  and so much more. The promise of the Eternal is that no matter what path I choose, I will not be alone. Turns out the promises of Psalm 23 are quite sure, “for Thou art with me”…….I don’t have to go it alone. The ideas above are called theological determinism or Calvanism. I understand why people prefer the strict thinking, strong rules give comfort to life and we don’t have to think, just do. It fits with Descartes’ “I think therefore I am.”

But the Eternal predates Descartes and belonging to the Eternal means, “I am therefore I think.” Can you see the difference? We are in the image of the Eternal, so we are part of the great I Am. We get to choose. Now, we should choose wisely of course and make choices based on what is in line with our love relationship with the Eternal. But they are our choices. A minister friend quotes an old saying that God can strike a straight line with a crooked stick. I like that, being the mess that I am, because it means that I do not have to worry about eating pizza.

We all make choices, every moment of every day. I do not believe each of those are foreordained. I do believe if we are tuned into our love affair with the Eternal, we begin to take on the mind of the Eternal and we begin to see the patterns of where those choices have led us and can lead us. If we are in a loving relationship with the Eternal, then we live without fear. We watch straight lines being struck with us “crooked sticks”. That is freedom in Christ. That is free will that leads us to the new Garden of Eden.

TMM